Monster

New Moon - Part 2 - rewritten from Jacob's perspective

← Chapter 6: Intruder      Chapter 8: Misunderstanding →

Chapter 7: Secret

Blinking back her tears, Bella suddenly pushed me with all her strength. "Get out!"

I didn’t move, but I felt my jaw drop in shock at the anger in her voice.

“No … no” I protested. “I came to apologize.”

"I don't accept!" She shoved me again towards the window. If the situation wasn’t so tense, I would have laughed. Even though I knew that she was pushing me with all of her strength, it was like a kitten nudging you to get you out of its favorite chair.

She pushed me one more time before giving up. She dropped her hands and instead, crossed her arms protectively around herself as she stepped back. The air blowing throw the window felt warm to me, but I could see that it made her shiver in her thin knit tank-top and pajamas.

Suddenly, I realized that we both standing in her room, in the middle of the night, with very little clothes on. I had forgotten to bring a t-shirt so I was just wearing cutoffs and I could still feel the cool touch of Bella’s hands against my bare chest. And I knew she wasn’t immune either. She kept glancing furtively at me, taking in all the physical changes that had occurred in the past few weeks. I looked down, self-conscious suddenly. I saw her gingerly flex her hands as if they had been burned by my touch.

Bella shivered again as another cool breeze came through the window. Her tank-top and pajamas left little to the imagination and I felt my face flush and my entire body warming up in response. I reached over and closed the window abruptly. I didn’t need more provocation. When I turned back around, it was just in time to see Bella sway unsteadily on her feet.

“Bella?”

Catching her by the elbow before she fell flat on her face, I steered her back to the bed. She seemed unable to walk without stumbling and I almost picked her up, before realizing that probably wasn’t a good idea given our current state of partial undress. I sat her down on the mattress and hunkered down next to her to prevent her from crumpling into a limp ball on the floor.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked as I began to worry that maybe she was sick or something too.

Bella looked up at me wearily. I could still see the traces of tears on her cheeks. "Why in the world would I be okay, Jacob?"

“Oh right.” That’s right. I forgot. I’ve been an *sshole to you the past few weeks. "Crap. Well… I–I'm so sorry, Bella."

"Why did you come here? I don't want apologies from you, Jake."

"I know," I whispered. "But I couldn't leave things the way I did this afternoon. That was horrible. I'm sorry."

She shook her head as she looked away from me. "I don't understand anything."

"I know,” I paused as I tried to figure out how to best do this. “I want to explain–" I broke off suddenly. It was as if one moment I was talking and the next moment someone had cut off my windpipe. I literally couldn’t say the next words that were coming out of my mouth. Damn Sam and his Alpha status. I took a deep breath and continued, “But I can't explain. I wish I could."

She brought her knees up to the bed, so she could lean down and put her head down in her arms, still refusing to meet my eye. “Why?”

God damn*t. There had to be some way around his injunction. But every time I tried to open my mouth, it was the same feeling. As if someone had their hands wrapped around my throat, cutting off my breath and making it impossible for me to utter the slightest sound. Bella twisted her head to look at me closely now. I could tell that she was confused by my clenched teeth and strained expression. “What’s wrong?”

I exhaled heavily in defeat. “I can’t do it.”

“Do what?”

I ignored her question. "Look, Bella, haven't you ever had a secret that you couldn't tell anyone?"I turned and forced her to look up at me, daring her to lie to me again about the Cullens. She flushed guiltily, but didn’t dispute me. "Something you felt like you had to keep from Charlie, from your mom… ?" I pressed on. "Something you won't even talk about with me? Not even now?"

She didn’t answer me, but we both knew what she was thinking about.

"Can you understand that I might have the same kind of…” I was going to say secret, but once again, San’s injunction wouldn’t let me get out the words. “… the same kind of … situation? Sometimes, loyalty gets in the way of what you want to do. Sometimes, it's not your story to tell."

I could tell that she understood what I was saying, even if she didn’t want to acknowledge it. "I don't know why you came here, Jacob, if you were just going to give me riddles instead of answers."

"I'm sorry, this is so frustrating." I whispered as I bent down to kiss her forehead lightly. Her cool little hand found its way into mine and we sat for a long time in the dark room in silence.

I couldn’t believe how close we were and yet how distant we were at the same time. The part that killed me was that she already knew everything. I had already told her everything!

"What are you talking about?" Bella asked suddenly.

I sucked in a startled breath. I hadn’t realized that I had said that out loud. But suddenly, it gave me hope. Okay, so Sam’s injunction prevented me from saying anything directly. But if I could just jog her memory. Help her put together the pieces. That wouldn’t be breaking the command at all.

I leaned over and grabbed her arms firmly to turn her towards me. She lifted her head and looked at me, her eyes raking my face for an answer. Any answer.

“I think I see a way to make this work out–because you know this, Bella! I can't tell you, but if you guessed it! That would let me right off the hook!"

"You want me to guess? Guess what?" She stared at me blankly.

"My … situation! You can do it–you know the answer!"

She blinked hard and shook her head as if to clear her thoughts. She looked tired and I suddenly felt bad for forcing this onto her in the middle of the night. But I knew that I wouldn’t have many more chances to talk to her alone.

“Hold on, let me see if I can give you some help …” I struggled to find the words to continue. It took a lot of effort, because every time I wanted to say something, my windpipe froze up. I tried and stopped a dozen times without success.

“Help?” Bella prodded.

"Yeah," I said taking deep measured breaths. "Like clues."

I took her face into my hands and held it a few inches from mine. I stared fiercely at her, willing her to read between the lines. You know me, Bella. Don’t just listen to what I say. Read my face. You’ve always been able to do that well."Remember the first day we met–on the beach in La Push?"

"Of course I do,” she responded automatically.

"Tell me about it,” I said calmly, relieved that the words were able to come out.

Bella took a deep breath and tried to concentrate. "You asked about my truck…"

I nodded, urging her on.

"We talked about the Rabbit…"

"Keep going."

"We went for a walk down the beach…" Her cheeks were growing warm under my palms as her brain started churning. I nodded anxiously for her to continue.

"You told me scary stories… Quileute legends."

Yes! She remembered. I was half-afraid that she wouldn’t remember. That the day on the beach that meant so much to me meant nothing to her. I closed my eyes to say a quick prayer of thanks and then opened them again.

“Yes, “ I said, slowly and distinctly, wanting her to think carefully about what I had told her. "Do you remember what I said?"

Her face turned pink and then red. And then she looked away. The Cullens. Of course that was the first thing that she thought about. I gently turned her face back towards me. “Think hard.”

"Yes, I remember.”

I inhaled deeply. “Do you remember all the stor-“ I couldn’t finish. I had pushed it too far and this time, it felt as if I was choking to death. For a few scary seconds, I couldn’t breathe at all.

Bella’s face was strained with worry as she watched me struggle to catch my breath. “All the stories?”

I nodded mutely, trying to just get air back into my lungs. She nodded in response and I could see that she was desperately jogging her memory. But her face fell and she started to shake her head at me.

I groaned and jumped off the bed. I pressed my fists against my forehead and told myself to count to ten. "You know this, you know this," I muttered quietly but angrily.

"Jake? Jake, please, I'm exhausted. I'm no good at this right now. Maybe in the morning…"

I sighed and turned to look at her. "Maybe it will come back to you. I guess I understand why you only remember the one story," I added bitterly before I could help it. I plunked back onto the bed next to her. "Do you mind if I ask you a question about that? I've been dying to know."

"A question about what?" she asked warily as she leaned away from me slightly.

"About the vampire story I told you."

She stared me, her usually open face now tense and guarded.

"Did you honestly not know?" I asked coldly. "Was I the one who told you what he was?"

She stared back at me, silent but shaken. I could see the wheels churning in her head, wondering how I knew. Wondering why I believed in the stories now. And above all, wondering if I would somehow harm the Cullens.

I laughed bitterly at that. It was either that or cry. "See what I mean about loyalty?" I murmured, "It's the same for me, only worse. You can't imagine how tight I'm bound…" My voice broke. It was too painful to continue.

Bella caught her breath. She got up from the bed and walk towards me, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. Her hand reached up to play with my hair where it met the nape of my neck. Her touch was cool but gentle, and I couldn’t help turning into her open embrace.

"Isn't there any way for you to get free?" she whispered tenderly, her eyes full of tears and compassion.

My hands began to tremble and I looked away before my eyes filled with tears. “No. I'm in this for life. A life sentence." Although apparently, if I never learned to control the rage, I might never be able to permanently phase out, so I’d be a werewolf forever. Great. Immortality as a monster. "Longer, maybe."

"What if we ran away?” she asked urgently as she broke away from me and began to pace back and forth. "What if we ran away? Just you and me. What if we left home, and left Sam behind?"

"It's not something I can run away from, Bella," I moved to cradle her face in my hands once again. "But I would run with you, though, if I could."

I stared into her beautiful brown eyes and let the moment sink into me. In the years to come, no matter what happened between me and Bella, I would remember this moment. The warm coziness of her bedroom. They way she held me to her tightly. The way she gazed at me with worry and love. Not just friendship. I knew that Bella loved me at some level. Even if she couldn’t admit it to herself just yet. No matter what happened, I would always have this memory to sustain me.

Then I sighed, my whole body shaking from the tension of being so close to everything that I had ever wanted. And yet so infinitely far. I took a deep breath. "Look, I've got to leave."

"Why?"

"For one thing, you look like you're going to pass out at any second. You need your sleep–I need you firing on all pistons. You're going to figure this out, you have to."

"And why else?" she persisted defiantly. She was a smart cookie. I knew she could read my face.

"I had to sneak out–I'm not supposed to see you,” I admitted with a wry smile. “They've got to be wondering where I am. I suppose I should go let them know."

"You don't have to tell them anything," she hissed.

I chuckled. She had no idea that I didn’t have a choice. The minute I phased again, the secret would be out. "All the same, I will."

Bella looked up at me suddenly, fire blazing in her eyes again. "I hate them!"

I looked at her, surprised at the depth of her reaction. I sighed wearily. "No, Bella. Don't hate the guys. It's not Sam's or any of the others' faults. I told you before–it's me. Sam is actually… well, incredibly cool. Jared and Paul are great, too, though Paul is kind of… And Embry's always been my friend. Nothing's changed there–the only thing that hasn't changed. I feel really bad about the things I used to think about Sam…Sam’s actually been really cool about all of this."

She glared at me, disbelief written all over her face. "Then why aren't you supposed to see me?" she demanded.

"It's not safe," I muttered looking anywhere but at her. "If I thought it was too… too risky, I wouldn't have come. But Bella," I paused to take her hands. “I made you a promise. I had no idea it would be so hard to keep, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try."

She stared at me blankly.

"After that stupid movie," I prodded gently. "I promised you that I wouldn't ever hurt you… So I really blew it this afternoon, didn't I?"

"I know you didn't want to do it, Jake. It's okay.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Thanks, Bella." I squeezed her hands "I'm going to do what I can to be here for you, just like I promised."

I grinned suddenly at her. It was the first time in weeks that I had felt like myself. Like my TRUE self. "It would really help if you could figure this out on your own, Bella. Put some honest effort into it."

She made a weak grimace. "I'll try."

"And I'll try to see you soon.” If Sam doesn’t forbid me to see you after this, I thought. "And they'll try to talk me out of that." I hedged in case I wouldn’t be able to sneak out again.

"Don't listen to them."

"I'll try." I shrugged. I couldn’t do anything about it if Sam ordered differently. "Come and tell me as soon as you figure it out." And then I remembered that she may not want to see me after she realized what I was. "If you… if you want to, that is."

"Why wouldn't I want to see you?"

I laughed bitterly. "Oh, I can think of a reason," I said harshly. "Look, I really have to go. Could you do something for me? At least call me–if you don't want to see me again. Let me know if it's like that."

"That won't happen–"

I raised one hand, cutting her off. She didn’t know the truth yet. "Just let me know."

I patted her other hand as I released it and walked towards the window. I didn’t want to dwell on this anymore.

"Don't be an idiot, Jake," she complained. "You'll break your leg. Use the door. Charlie's not going to catch you."

"I won't get hurt," I muttered as I opened the window wide.

I hesitated. It had finally sunk in that this could very well be the last time I ever saw Bella again. Because once Sam found out what I had done, he might forbid me to see her again. And once Bella figured out what I was, she might never want to see me again. The pain of this goodbye sliced through me like a buttered knife, sharp and fluid. I turned to look at her one last time.

I held a hand out to her. Bella responded instantly, moving towards me and taking my hand with both of hers. I pulled her against me, hard, crushing her in bear hug. I knew I was hugging her too tightly, but I couldn’t help it.

“Just in case,” I muttered as I breathed in the scent of her strawberry-scented hair one last time and lost myself in the feel of her embrace.

"Can't–breathe!" she gasped finally.

I dropped her at once, holding her by the waist so that she didn’t collapse. And then I pushed her, gently, back down on the bed.

“Get some sleep, Bells. You've got to get your head working. I know you can do this. I need you to understand. I won't lose you, Bella. Not for this.”

I bent and kissed her forehead softly. And then I went the open window and slipped out quietly, not bothering to climb down the spruce tree, but jumping the full two flights to the ground. I landed with a soft thud.

When I turned to look back up at the window, I saw that Bella had gotten out of bed and was watching me. She waved her hand silently. I nodded. I was suddenly hopeful for the first time in weeks.

← Chapter 6: Intruder      Chapter 8: Misunderstanding →

About Me

I'm a Twilight fan who believes that Jacob Black is better for Bella than Edward, so I wrote these Team Jacob fanfiction stories to try to convert as many people to my side as possible. :)

I've tried to stay as faithful to the original books as possible up through At the Cliffs, which is when I break off from canon and write out Eclipse the way I wish it had happened!

So ... what do you think? Good? Bad? Ideas for other stories?

Please let me know!

Jane

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